A few weeks ago, I challenged one of my all-time biggest fears: public speaking. I grew to loathe it over my formative years, due to a series of bad experiences and terrible anxiety. I would feel anxious for weeks leading up to show-and-tell at school, and yet, I still wanted people to listen to what I had to say. However, every time, it would feel like my life was about to come to an end and that there was no future to look forward to – that I'd somehow die in front of everyone whilst talking. That's the irrationality of anxiety.

Whenever I'd have to do something like this, I'd practice every night to ensure I couldn't screw up. Screwing up would be the worst thing in the world. I know because it'd happened every time previously: I would forget my words, stutter, blush, or say something everyone else thought was stupid just to break the silence. It didn't take long before no-one wanted to associate with me and I became an easy target for bullying. I never looked confident when I spoke, but inside, I always thought myself as very confident. I received awards and praise from teachers for my artwork, and I was also incredibly good at maths and science and believed I could grow up to become whatever the hell I wanted. I was weirdly big-headed, but as soon as I was put in a room where I had to talk, it all went out of the window: "I am a pushover, someone to talk over, someone insignificant, and definitely not someone who's funny", but did I actually believe any of that? No.

Those closest to me found me silly and quirky. Even my partner now says that I make him laugh so much, and he's the funniest person I know! I can have a crazy streak when I feel comfortable enough around people (hopefully you can see that humour in One Night Stand!), but feeling comfortable around people is something I rarely feel: I have social anxiety, and it's been with me ever since I can remember.

One time on holiday (I must have been about three years old) my parents left me with a play group whilst they went sailing for the day. I screamed and screamed, demanding they didn't leave me, but they stuck to their plan anyway. I was left with a group of people I didn't know and I couldn't take it... so I bolted. I needed to find my family. I walked for hours on my own in the baking sun, eventually bumping into them down a random path. Looking back, it's a miracle I didn't get lost or kidnapped or something. Not only did I endanger myself, I also missed out on a great day with the play group, making friends, picnicking on the beach and spotting turtles. Social anxiety has made me to miss out on so much fun in my life.

I was only formally diagnosed with social anxiety last year. Then, everything started to make sense. It may sound silly, but I thought everyone felt this way and was just really good at hiding it. I didn't realise that most of the population go about their day without this fear gnawing away at them. Only when I realised this, did I learn that I've almost been going through my whole life on hard-mode. I had been so cruel to myself; calling myself "pathetic" and "weak" because I believed I was on a level-playing field with everyone else – I believed that I didn't have anxiety. However, good news! I'm now learning how to be kinder to myself and give myself the support I always needed. This started with acceptance: "I find this tough and will always find it tough." (Also, Steven Universe helped a lot! It's full of love and acceptance and you should watch it if you haven't already!)

Since realising this, I'm able to do something about it. I had previously turned down every request to publicly speak, but when One Night Stand got nominated for Excellence in Narrative at IGF 2017, I knew I had to go and demo my game... alone.

I was anxious for weeks again, crying at the thought of demoing on my own and potentially having to go up and accept an award. Luckily, I got some help from my friends with the booth (I even ended up enjoying it!), and I didn't win the award so didn't have to give a speech (phew!), but in May 2017, I won New Development Talent at Women in Games 2017, so I had to go up on stage. I didn't think I'd win, so I didn't prepare a speech, and hence I bumbled out some words and walked off. I don't know what I said, only that I thanked my partner for being there and supporting me.

Everyone else would think winning awards is joyous, I know, but for me, it's nerve-wracking. Still, in the long-term it feels good. I have the award on my shelf and it helps my self-esteem on those long days where I need some kind of validation. Working alone isn't easy. No-one passes by and says "I like your drawing!" or "Good job!" – I have to do that myself.

Anyway, I digress. Being thrown into these events helped me attend others. Instead of automatically turning them down like I used to, I decided to accept smaller things, such as workshops, recorded talks, podcasts and fishbowl discussions to see how they'd go, meet new people and talk about what I often keep inside. Some events were a little awkward at times, but generally they went fine, and I'd meet people who adored my game and wanted to listen to me. Despite how I may come across, I wanted this just like anyone else.

As for game development, I have been working mainly on artwork for the last month. Memories is divided into roughly five story sections, and I'm hoping to complete the artwork for two of them by the middle of December. These two sections are the biggest in the game, so the others should be completed much more quickly... I hope! I estimate all artwork and story to be completed around April, leaving some programming, music, UI and testing to do. I'm hoping for a release sometime over Summer, but we'll have to see how it goes. Until then, here's a sneak peek:

Thanks for reading this very long, peculiar blog post! Until next time.

I am actually preparing a presentation right now on "Player Interactions in One Night Stand", for Clash of Realities conference in Köln. It's my first talk in years, so whilst I'm super excited to share information on One Night Stand, I'm also super nervous haha! But time to move past that and share findings :)

With Memories, I'm still not ready to share anything, but I thank you all for being so patient! News will be coming very soon, which if you're interested in, can be followed via the newsletter, or Twitter and Facebook. I've been working on a ton of artwork and animations recently and they're all just starting to come together. It's great when you can finally see your visions appearing on screen! Once they're in game, along with some finished UI, it'll be ready to screenshot and share - exciting times! I hope the world will love it as much as I do.

Just in time to celebrate the Steam and itch.io Summer sales, One Night Stand is now playable in Brazilian Portuguese and French! This version is now live on Steam, itch.io and Humble. I hope you enjoy it!

Whilst I've been busy with the localisations, I've also been reworking Memories. I won't divulge too much, but the game ended up being too big and ambitious yet again... Oh, why do I always fall into this trap? Well, I had to scale it back for financial safety, but more importantly, to make the game better in general. The story had gotten lost in itself and it was clear that I wanted to say much more than I'd originally planned. So, the story's now a small part of the original, but it's finished. The writing is done and it's such a relief! I've already begun story-boarding the scenes and creating the background art. Nearer the time, I'll show them to you, but I'm holding off right now. I daren't over-share but fear not; more information about Memories will be announced real soon, so please keep checking this blog and my social media feeds for updates! I promise I won't keep tweeting about Connor and Hank from Detroit Become Human, haha!

Enjoy the Summer sales on Steam and itch.io and if you're playing One Night Stand in Brazilian or French, I really hope you like it! Until next time! Até logo! Adieu!

It's been months since I last wrote a blog post! It seems the only time I get to write them these days is when I'm travelling. Game development has been heavy since the start of the year and looking after Goro has been hard work! The little Shibe is full of beans and always wants to play, which is not always possible, of course, so balancing him and work has been tricky. I've been working out at coffee shops more to help the process, giving us both a break away from each other, and I'm surprised at how much more productive I've been!

Coffees certainly add up, though, and it makes me wonder about the world's view on value. One Night Stand costs less than a cup of coffee, and probably lasts just as long for the average player. It's got me thinking a lot about the worth of digital products and what we can do to change that perception. I also think about how gaming can reach a wider audience... I still meet so many women and elderly who don't bother with games. It saddens me, really. Like, in my eyes, games are media just like books or film, but so few people would say they don't bother with those. I feel like we're failing a huge audience with stereotypical titles, and I want to change that.

Anyway, I digress! I'm at Copenhagen airport, waiting to board my flight to San Francisco. It's my third year at GDC and I feel pretty calm and confident – quite the change from the last two years! At my first GDC, I was a newbie indie developer and didn't know anyone. My flight got delayed and I missed the first day of the event. Then I caught the GDC flu! But somehow I still had a great time. Last year, was potentially a once-in-a-lifetime event where One Night Stand got nominated for Excellence in Narrative at IGF, so I demoed it (for the first time) and met hundreds of fans and peers – It was incredible! This year will probably be way more mellow (at least I'm trying to plan it that way, haha!): I I hope to meet some new people, preferably other developers, programmers and musicians (if you're there, hit me up!) whilst seeing some awesome new games and attending loads of interesting sessions. Oh, I love binging on sessions!

I won't give a huge update on Memories as I'm preparing for a more official announcement in the next few months, but the script is finally finished! "Finished" in the way that the endings are in, but it still needs tweaking and probably a few additions here and there. The art style is also decided upon (hurray!), and the GUI is nearly there as well. It means that in the upcoming months, I'll be bashing out artwork, refining the script and adding some gameplay elements, most of which are half-way there and already planned out. I'm very optimistic about the project, but there is still a lot of work to be done and it's still too early to show, really. Artwork is mainly the area that's lacking, so sadly there isn't really much to see! But you can find out a little more about the game here, and I'll be updating the page with new information soon!

Until then, take care everyone!

I have been super quiet recently because there's been a huge change! I am happy to announce a new member of Games by Kinmoku. Meet Goro, the game dev doggo:

I won't lie, these first few weeks have been hard work, and trying to work on Memories at the same time as caring for Goro has been near impossible, but now we have a routine which extends my working day and fills it with puppy care and play.

When you're self-employed, I think it's easier to keep working and never break. Income and finishing projects ASAP becomes the most important thing, but at the cost of your physical and mental health. For me, I felt like a dog would fit perfectly into my life, so here he is! It took over 2 years of hard work and heartbreak to find him, but I'm sure it's because he was meant to be :)

If you'd like to follow Goro - Game Dev Doggo, he has his own Facebook page, plus I'll be posting about him from time to time on my Twitter, too! (And no, he is NOT named after Goro from Mortal Kombat, rather Majima Goro from the Yakuza series!)

Memories is still undergoing script and story changes. My plan was to get all that finished by the end of the year, but with illness and now puppy, that may not happen. I still want to try my best to hit that goal, but with Christmas incoming and family commitments, it's looking unlikely. A few scenes need to be added, gameplay needs to be improved, and then it'll need testing and further edits. Once it's ready, the ending/ conclusion scenes will be written.

Until then, I doubt I will be posting back here, so I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Enjoy the holidays, take a break, and most importantly, look after yourselves!